ambition and the desire to manifest every idea
I have a lot of big ideas, and a fair number of little ideas.
I've recently been thinking about a game idea I had 2 or 3 years ago. It's been in the back of my mind all this time, and comes to the front now and again.
I've had some insight about how the complex systems within-the-game would work, and a lot of ideas about what the "goal" of the game would be, and how to make the game fun.
I want to build this game. I love the idea. But, first and foremost, I'm disabled. I literally can't work. I struggle to do the necessary tasks of living. I can't make time for programming, not more than 2-3 hours every 2-3 weeks. Can't make a game like that.
Secondly, I'm not a game dev. I'm a good programmer (skill-wise), but I'm not experienced in games, other than a couple hours of tutorials a few years ago. So it would be slow-going, even to prototype.
Third, it's a commitment. I can see the idea clearly in my head, so I get this false sense that it would be easy to manifest it, easy to bring it into the world, quick. But it would not be easy or quick. We're talking a one to three year commitment of near full-time work, most likely.
It's a complex game (idea), with complex systems, lots of assets, lots of animations, lots of 'actions', 'temperaments', 'goals', and blah blah. I love this idea. But I can't bring it about at this stage of my life.
Plus, would I even really want to? To commit 2+ years of my life to make a game? I love games, but they. don't. matter. Not in the way that my other ideas do.
I started writing local journalism a couple years ago, covering elections, then some funny business with my school district. I also had developed the website software for that, and I've always dreamed of turning that into really good journalism-publishing software - with fact checking tools, source management, really good search and organizing, a community component, among other things.
Now that matters, so if I'm going to dedicate years of my life to something, I'm gonna choose journalism or journalism software. I like the work. Kinda. Journalism is hella stressful, but I think that's 90% because of my mental illness. Like if I heal and get better (which I believe I can and will, and I hope to never give up on this), then I can go back to journalism and enjoy the work, and manage the stress in a healthy way. Or to the development of the software. I'd do the software first, then maybe the journalism later.
But this feeling I have when I think about Ten Towns (the game idea), is so strong and feels like the thing I need to be doing with my life RIGHT NOW. I know better.
I've been going through this for years... many years. I don't jump on these ideas any more. I don't put aside everything else in my life to go whole-hog on an idea for 2-3 weeks until I burn out and fall into depression.
And it hurts. I hate putting these ideas down. I hate letting them go; literally I don't know how to let them go. And I think I don't usually let them go. They just keep cooking in the back of my mind. Some do fall out of favor ... but others don't, not entirely anyway.
I built a work-schedule app for android many years ago, which eventually got removed from the android app store. I had a whole big business plan for moving that forward, and I still think about that sometimes. Though, I'm not super driven toward that old idea anymore. And I imagine workplaces have better apps for scheduling now. Walmart's work schedule website was GARBAGE when I worked there, so I made that app for Walmart employees. It parsed the site and had a nice calendar view. It was awesome.
Anyway. I think it's good that I've realized that just because an idea seems easy in my mind, doesn't mean it's easy or quick in real life. And good that I'm seeing a connection between this ideation and my intense desire to manifest every little thing that comes to me. Hopefully I'll day dream more and not need to manifest everything, and not deal with the subsequent pain of fighting the urge and letting it go.
But, I will probably keep thinking about Ten Towns, and hope for making it one day. I'll still hope to reconnect with that old friend, and I don't know if I can let that go. I'll keep wondering about that work schedule app. And I doubt I ever move on from the journalism software goals. Or the much more extensive open-source software goals ... jeeze.
Life just can't keep up with my ideas. They do fade and get less powerful with time, at least. But they're there, in the back of my mind, begging for attention.