Changing my default mental state
When I have downtime, my brain presents problems for me to solve, past embarrassments, past failures, things I have to do soon, and other stressful things.
It's been this way for several years. There's not a lot of space for any other kind of thinking. But it wasn't always this way. It wasn't always SO serious. I remember doing math in my head at night as a teenager. Yes, this was fun for me, and lighthearted.
My best friend encouraged me recently write down things I'm grateful for each night. Instead, I opted to add this gratitude-practice as a purely mental activity during my pre-prayer thinking/reflection time. And it has been nice.
If only for a few minutes, my brain's goal shifts from "FIX PROBLEMS" to "What was good about today?"
I always try to come up with 3 things, and sometimes I do a few more.
(Sidenote: Is there a distinct feeling for "gratitude" the way there is for sadness or anger or joy? I think gratitude is more heady, at least for me. I also can't identify a clear feeling that tells me when I'm proud or disappointed, yet somehow I know when I'm grateful, proud, or disappointed.)
This gratitude practice really highlighted that my default mental state is very serious and very stressful. So recently, I've been trying to turn my mind in a different direction when I'm not engaged.
It's just like a gentle nudge. I'm not sure how to describe it. Sometimes I meditate, and I do the gratitude practice, so I guess those things are more explicit.
Hopefully in time my default mental state will be lighthearted, relaxed, joyful, peaceful. Hopefully.
P.S. It might be nice if my default mental state were non-thinking, but I don't think this is an option for me. I told a therapist once that "I can't stop thinking". She told me that it's just that it is "hard" to not think. She was wrong. I literally can't stop thinking, I've been living with this for at least 20 years. Maybe I can learn how to stop thinking, but I don't have the skill or whatever for that now. A session or two later, I confronted her about my disagreement about this "can't"/"hard" issue, and she apologized. I really liked working with her. That was the only time I ever really had a problem.