ReedyBear's Blog

Coming out of a funk

Saturday brought sudden cool weather and a quite a funk for me personally.

I felt relatively normal again yesterday, but still like I'm climbing out of that hole.

Last night, I couldn't sleep, got 5 and a half hours. Today, I feel more normal, but just not quite THERE yet, yaknow?

For 2 weeks, I've needed to fold laundry. I have some trash and dishes to pickup. I need to cook some of my garden tomatoes. I've been skipping exercise, and my body's hurting more.

But I don't think I'm THERE yet - to the place where I can push myself past the tired, the lack of motivation, or will to DO stuff.

I go to the Library on Wednesdays. I'm planning on that at least. Hopefully it'll be the reset I need, and tomorrow I can do some house chores and/or exercise.

I probably would be fine if I folded laundry right now. I don't think I'd have a panic attack. I don't think it would depress me or cause significant overwhelm.

But it takes SO MUCH energy to get myself to start. It's so much work just to start.

This blog post is mainly so I can figure out what I want to do with myself. It's 1:03pm & I leave around 3:45pm to grab deli food for dinner & go to library.

And I don't know what thoughts to encourage. I've realized recently I need to resist some thoughts, such as rumination about code that drives me to compulsively program at 1 am.

I'm honestly scared of encouraging certain thoughts. There's so much anxiety in encouraging certain action. The brief blip of a thought encouraging folding of laundry shoots a spike of anxiety through me & warmth grows through my body.

But the real problem is a mixture of: having multiple options of what i COULD do, but having no particular drive to do any of those things.

This puts me in a state of analysis paralysis where I just can't decide what to do.

Blogging is a goto these days. Often programming is a goto. I love my video games, but I don't much care to play during the day (except Trackmania cup of the day!)

So, I guess, for starters, what are my options?

And that's already too many options. Looking at the list fills me with a wave of hot, stinging dread.

My first idea is to think "what do I feel like doing" or "what can I handle today", but it quickly turns into "Which of these is the best to focus on" and the overwhelm and fear of panic.

(I've had lots of panic attacks and meltdowns over the last few years. They've become much less frequent this year because I don't push myself as hard. Pushing myself too much causes overwhelm and uncontrollable wordless screaming and occasionally hitting tables or whatever, and it really floors me.)

I guess I live in this constant state of feeling like ALL OF THESE THINGS NEED TO BE DONE ASAP.

So it's like ... the moment it's possible for me to tackle this or that, I NEED TO. But that's just not true.

I lived in a basement with untreated mold for years. It was bad, I asked for help, I didn't get help, but I also survived. There are consequences, but it's not a sudden urgent matter just because I have 2 hours of "free" time.

(I hardly have a sense of "free time" because I almost never feel like I'm actually free to enact my will. I feel so boxed in by my mental illness, but my poverty doesn't help either.)

So the motivating force is largely this misconception of how important these things are, and the anxiety around failing at them.

I think a better motivating force (and area of thoughts I might try to encourage!) is imagining the results.

I like having a clean bedroom. I like having laundry that is folded and put away in its proper places. I like grabbing clothes off a shelf instead of digging through a laundry basket.

But I can dig through a laundry basket, and I can sleep even if a full laundry basket sits on the floor.

It's nicer to have it put away, but is the cost (spending 20 minutes folding and putting away laundry) worth the benefit (laundry is where it goes)?

Yes, probably, most days, I guess? Idk, my actions suggest otherwise. But on days that I do push through & fold the laundry, I think it feels worth it.

Anticipating it, folding laundry sounds like hell. Anticipation fills me with anxiety. It takes a lot of emotional work to get myself started.

And then if I'm not in a good mindstate, my mind fills with stressful thoughts and I can't stop them. And I get worked up, and i find myself utterly miserable and exhausted.

Miserable, not because I folded laundry, but because my mind was unhinged and assaulted me for 20 minutes.

That misery isn't fucking worth putting laundry away. It sucks my energy and then it's even harder to do other more important tasks.

I scooped the litter boxes today. I watered my garden. (It's really just tomatoes at this point. They took over, wasps ate the broccoli leaves, the beans stopped producing after a couple harvests.)

And I'm blogging about this shit. I haven't had therapy in 4-5 months. Not by choice. LifeStance bought the regional clinic I went to and booted all the medicaid patients. Fucking pieces of shit.

And I asked for help finding a new therapist, but that didn't pan out, despite meaningful effort from my best friend. Tried several places that don't take my medicaid insurer.

Fucking pieces of shit. (Idk about the other places, but lifestance is a PE backed national healthcare company that was almost $400 million in debt when they did an IPO to raise money, in their own terms, to repay their indebtedness. Fucking pieces of shit.)

Anyway. That adds things to my list (& reminds me of more stuff!):

And so once again: I have 2 hours left to do whatever I want with my time OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO? STRESS INCREASES.

All of these feel like impossible unbeatable things. Like laundry never stops. I always have to do another load, have to fold another load.

For the mold & packing & organizing stuff at my house. It feels insurmountable. I make progress sometimes. Sometimes I get into a mood, I get feeling motivated, and I can work for 1-2 hours and I make some progress I feel good about.

I'll occasionally have 2 or 3 days in a week of this productive at-home labor.

And then I can't touch it for 2 or 3 weeks. That's the spot I've been in recently.

On days like today, I often do THIS. I think at length about solving these problems and how to tackle them. How to motivate myself. How to fix myself so that I can do all of these things.

But I need help. It feels so stupid that I need help. I "should" be able to make these phone calls, to do these tasks and stuff.

And there's this hopeful & positive & encouraging part of myself that says I can. But there's also this toxic part of myself that says its MY problem and I NEED TO HANDLE IT MYSELF.

And then there's the reality that many of these tasks have been sitting for several months, some of them for literally years (I don't think I listed those ones).

I'm reluctant to ask for help because getting help is only okay if I truly "need" it. And I only truly "need" it if I literally "can't" do the things I'm asking for help with.

("getting help is only okay if I truly 'need' it". I realize this is unhealthy and toxic and something within me that I need to challenge and change.)

It's embarrassing to need help with things that I know I'm capable of.

But am I capable of them? I guess. On the right day, with the right mood, if I have no compulsions driving me elsewhere, if my anxiety level is low.

But on the occasional day that all the stars align, I can't do it all. I can only do one thing for about 1-2 hours, on rare occasion up to 3.

New tasks pile up faster than I'm able to approach existing ones.

I need help.

I've asked for help, multiple times with multiple things. I've asked multiple different people. And that was fucking hard for me. And I have not received the help I've asked for.

I've asked for help finding a therapist, cleaning up the mold, dealing with my insurance, applying for disability.

I have received some help with some of those things, to some extent, some of the times.

My best friend contacted 5 or 6 therapists I think. My mom called my insurance for me once; I don't remember what for. My therapist sent me information for a therapy office (that never fucking called me back, nor my mom, despite us both calling multiple times) and info for a disability attorney.

(I am extremely grateful for the help I have received, and my frustration with not having my needs met is not meant as a disparagement of their efforts. I am so grateful for their efforts.)

I need help.

I need to convince myself that I need help.

I need to convince myself that its okay to ask for help.

I need to write down all the things I need help with.

I need help prioritizing what to get help with first.

I need help.

But what does that mean for today? Still about 2 hours of free time. What to do with it?

I don't know. I need a break. And I need help.