Depressed and weird-feeling, seasons-changing
I hate when the seasons change. I felt fine Friday, but woke up Saturday feeling just really ... off.
The weather had changed. Temp has cooled, and there's a different feeling in the air.
I needed money, so I pushed through & went over to a best friend's to do a couple hours of yard work.
I felt okay after, and opted to have a restful night. My wrist hurt, so I watched movies instead of playing video games.
Sunday I rested. A 30 minute call included 2 hours of mental/emotional prep before-hand (mostly while I was doing other stuff), and then it took me like 2-3 hours to return to "normal" afterward.
Talking is often hard for me, and it did not come naturally yesterday. It was nice talking though.
Otherwise, I basically just watched videos and movies. Played Trackmania cup of the day & Wordle, but no other games.
It's Monday. I still feel weird.
And now I'm depressed. My mood is ... a little sad. I think I'm feeling lonely. I'm still just feeling weird.
I called a bestie today to chat. I asked another friend to hangout, but she's busy. I invited some friends to Saturday's local Pride Fest, but I don't have high hopes.
I often catastrophize during these depressions, and think about the BIG CHANGES I need to make to my life so that I'll feel better.
Like dating, maybe.
But this is just what living with mental illness is like for me. It doesn't matter how good or bad things are. I have ups, and I have downs.
(Circumstances DEFINITELY matter. Bad or stressful situations lead to more frequent downs and shorter ups. Friend hangouts can definitely reduce depression. But I will have ups and downs, regardless.)
I'm proud of myself for pushing through, for making some effort.
I hope this doesn't last for long. I hope it clears up tomorrow or at least this week.
And I have no will or motivation. I want plant milk & bananas, but I'm not shopping today. I'll have to go in a couple days when I run out of bread.
I wanna code, kinda. I just don't wanna sit around miserable today, doing nothing.
I don't like this weird feeling. I don't like the depression that's keeping it company. I don't like the loss of hope, the loss of motivation, or the sadness.
Good luck to me.
Let this down be a short episode.
(P.S. Walking usually helps. I don't think I'm willing today, though.)