drive (aka motivation)
"motivation" is a dirty word. Am I "motivated"? What does that even mean? It's something I've long struggled with, and it's this foggy grey area, as many things are when depressed or anxious.
It's the same thing, but lately I've been thinking about "What drives me?"
For me, it has cleared up the foggy cloud of motivation, and the internal judgement for not being motivated enough.
"What would drive me?" has been incredibly useful too.
What drives me to blog? I like writing, I like to get thoughts out of my head, I like to share insights in hopes they help other people, I like to archive ideas.
I don't push myself to blog. I don't convince myself or drum up the drive. If the drive is there, I blog. If not, I don't. It's a casual hobby.
But cleaning. My dining area had been unusable since my mom moved in. Not enough space to unpack her boxes into, so they've cluttered the table and seating.
When I think about addressing it, I mainly feel anxious and overwhelmed. So I ask, "What would drive me to clean it up?"
I'd have a table to use, it would look nice, I could play board games with friends, do a puzzle. Also, my mom's been doing some incremental cleaning of the blinds - just a few blinds at a time. That helped take some pressure off, seeing it as incremental. And seeing other clean-up work being done was inspiring.
So I did clean up the dining area. I didn't unpack any boxes, but I rearranged, I took some old chairs downstairs, and I made the area useful again.
It stopped being a question of "how do I feel? Am I able to do this?" And became "What would make me feel like doing this? What do I want to get out of it?" And I stopped judging myself for being unable to do it.
If you're mentally well, this probably seems silly. But I've lived with severe depression and anxiety for YEARS. It's a tangle of wires in my head (in part). Things that seem simple are not.
Formerly, I'd latch onto this word "motivation" which is basically pulling the strings randomly and tying the knot tighter. Figuring out to ask "What drives me?" is like tracing the string from the end and undoing the knot one little piece at a time.
This different framing also steps me away from the shame and guilt of "not being good enough" or whatever, and turns it into a more practical issue, a more productive act of building motivation (or "drive") by asking useful questions.
Motivation doesn't have to be a dirty word, but it has been, in my head, for a very VERY long time.
P.S. Apparently, there was some recent Bear drama about people writing about revelations they should have had as a child. Revelations aren't needed when your mind and body work. If you're able to do stuff, you don't need any revelations about motivation. If you're disabled or otherwise mentally unwell, then revelations become crucial. ... ALSO ALSO - Resources, support, and community are crucial. Revelations and "personal growth" are not the whole picture, and if you struggle like I do - ask for help. Get your basic needs met. Find some community. Go for a walk with a friend or a neighbor. Don't try to do it alone. That's DUMB. love u