I feel like all my ideas are so important
I have so many ideas and perspectives I want to share with lots of people.
I don't know if they are important, but it almost always feeeels like it.
My last blog is about improving RSS and driving widespread adoption.
Since then, I've felt the itch to go all-in on that idea. I feel that way with half of my ideas probably, but this one is a little stronger.
I've considered local advocacy I could do to get governments to adopt and provide RSS. (Side idea: Intergovernmental information hub, for all the local governments to share data, FOIA requests, and more.)
I've considered starting a software business focused on this issue, soliciting non-profits, governments, and businesses to use my software that ultimately uses RSS to provide access to information. (Likely they'd need a website-side of it too)
This could be file management, public announcements, meeting agendas & minutes, city council agenda items, bid items, and more.
It might be necessary to build and provide my own RSS app that streamlined access to information and feeds, but was a fully functional RSS client. Alternative to that would be figuring out a simplified setup process or working with an existing RSS client developer (or use open source) to provide a special version of the app that's preconfigured, or with some tweaks.
It would be important that URLs loaded from the RSS feed would provide a useful page to the RSS app.
The app could have a pro version with extra features, and employees could plug in some id to get themselves pro access as part of the government/NFP/business contract
A simple setting to plug in an organization's id & automatically get all the feeds for employees could solve the setup problem pretty simply.
For internal organization stuff, the feeds would need to have per-user authentication.
...
But I'm probably not gonna do any of that. I want to blast that idea so people see it because what I really want out of all of this is healthier media consumption in the U.S. and more personal control and intentionality over what news we consume.
And I think RSS could be so much better and really help with that.
But an anxiety disorder (or something idk) prevents me from doing stuff, and making quality content on YouTube or figuring out another way to market some of my ideas (or perspectives on politics) is a lot of work, and I struggle with things I have to do to live.
So making a YouTube or whatever is a lot of work & I just don't have the energy to spare for it. (I do make occasional videos when I have a strong urge to)
It sucks. There was a point in time that I was working 60 hours a week AND supporting (& probably improving) an Android app I had made.
If I did that now, I think I'd spiral into burnout and severe depression, and I literally don't think I could do that if I tried.
I was a really bad alcoholic then. My behavior wasn't the worst, but the drinking was heavy. And it did get worse.
I got sent home once for coming in "hungover". I put vodka in my soda during lunch breaks & brought it back to a different job. I did worse things too.
Another bad part was that I was drinking alone at night ... quite often.
I don't know if it was every night, but it was a lot. I really liked it. It was fun. I'd play video games or dick around on the internet. Now I do that stoned.
I drank with friends a lot too.
So as much as I was technically doing 60 hours + app development/support ... I wasn't doing it successfully. And I think I am in this state mentally today because of the years of drinking, the years of smoking that followed, which continues today.
I've been alcohol sober for 6 or 7 years. 8? 9? fuck I forget. I miss it sometimes and wish I could have a little bit to drink, socially, occasionally.
But I can't trust that. I think I could do it. But I can't trust that, I don't trust that. So I choose not to try drinking a little bit.
I've quit weed a few times. It usually takes 4-6 weeks of terrible sleeping and being miserable and half a person.
And then I think I feel better. Clearer head, and I learn to deal with stress again, and I eventually am able to sleep again. (I think)
But I feel like I need it, and I don't think I can handle the 4-6 weeks of bad sleep. Idk. I had a mental breakdown 9 months ago, and I'm definitely better right now, but I don't wanna push it.
That was the first time in my life that I was mood-depressed consistently for months.
I've been functionally-depressed. Like unable to function because of depression. And I've had many a day of depressed moods. But I also had lots of joy and often space between depressions and a range of emotion.
But from December/January until April or May ... I was just miserable, felt like it was every day. It might not be as bad as I remember, but I did have daily suicidal thoughts. First time those had scared me at all in several years.
My therapist told me she wanted me to be alive. I had been debating some important questions about my life.
And I opted to give myself maximum grace because I was genuinely concerned that my mental could go much farther downhill if I pushed myself to work and make it on my own.
And I don't want to kill myself. I love life, I love myself, I love my friends and family and bugs. I want to be alive.
But sometimes, that doesn't keep the suicidal thoughts away. And rarely ... but sometimes during those 4 months, it didn't keep the suicidal urges away either.
The urges were weak. And I responded to them by physically making myself safer.
Like walking in my neighborhood as a car/bus goes by and imagining jumping in front of it, and feeling a tiny twinge pushing me to do it.
So I step farther away from the road. I don't want to die. I want to live.
But sometimes urges are stronger than my will.
Way too many times.
With the need to ruminate, the drinking, the smoking weed, social vaping/cigarettes, binge eating, and physical compulsions like step-on-crack-with-right-foot means I feel a need to step on a crack with my left foot in exactly the same spot on my foot.
Finger biting, tapping desks as I walk by them, chewing nails, digging my nail into my thumb skin, popping my fingers, chewing on my shirt as a kid, needing to analyze and fix every single little social mistake.
It's fucking exhausting. Been doing this shit since I was a kid. I'm fucking 32 now.
Thank you past me for getting here. I'm a little bummed you did so much damage along the way, but I'm extremely grateful and proud of you for getting here at all.
And I'm proud of you for learning from your mistakes, from your friends, from your family, and growing as a person, and becoming kinder to people, and more thoughtful.
All the damage and pain has also come with a lot of character, integrity, conviction, and kindness.
And I too have been shown a lot of support and love and understanding and patience from so many people in my life over the years.
Some of them are no longer in my life. And it's hard not to just be mad at them. But I'm also very grateful for what they tolerated, and how they tried, and I don't want to hold it against them for being unhappy with me in their lives.
I'm also very grateful for all the love and joy and support and kindness and fun before the breakups.
Anyway. I'm tired of writing. What was this about? I have a lot of ideas or something?