is addiction an outside force or is it part of "me"
I live with obsessive thoughts. A few days ago, I was obsessed with a stupid policy a local business has. Last night, I was obsessed with a trackmania map I'm building. I literally couldn't stop thinking about these things, and this is a near-constant in my life. And I often struggle to identify where to draw the line between "I care about this thing" and "I'm obsessed with this thing".
I'm about 9 years alcohol sober. I'm an alcoholic and I am or was addicted to alcohol. 10 years ago, any outside observer could easily identify my behavior as "alcoholism" or as an addiction to alcohol. Pretty much daily drinking, and 6+ beers was common. Liquor and even more beer were also common.
But for someone to label it as an "addiction", then what is it? Is it an outside force that's acting upon me? Is it some thing that is forcing an unwilling Reed to drink alcohol?
That's not how I experienced it. I liked drinking, I wanted to drink, and it was important to me that I have the "freedom" to choose to drink. My girlfriend at the time wanted me to drink less, but I was too caught up in wanting "control" over my own "choices" to see that she was right.
But did I have control? And was I really choosing to drink? Was addiction forcing me to drink? Or was it like peer pressure, and i lacked the strength to say no? But if I already wanted to say yes (I did), was the addiction just adding fuel to the fire? Where did me-wanting-to-drink end and me-drinking-because-addicted begin?
I don't know. And I wonder the same thing with my obsessions.
At the moment, I believe it's a choice whether I identify addiction as an outside-force or not. Addiction may be just part of who I fundamentally am, or may be just an outside influence, or some gray area in between.
I think identifying something as addiction, labeling it as a problem, is a useful tool for identifying specific behavior/choices/habits and working toward changing that behavior.
If I go "It's fundamentally part of who I am" then the question is "how do I change who I am?". If I go "It's an addiction", then I ask "How do I cure this disease that is afflicting me?"
Which of those mental frameworks is more useful for changing my behavior? I don't know.
Perhaps my susceptibility to be influenced by addictive substances may be fundamental to who I am, whereas the influence they have is not fundamental?
I don't know.
P.S. "addiction as an outside-force" begins with an ego-centric view, where I am a free acting agent in the world, and "the world" is separate from me, is "outside". "the world" would include disorders of my body/brain. But my recent spiritual practices have helped me reconsider this notion that I am separate from the world in any way. I'm warming up to the view that I am the world, the world is me, and we are so deeply interconnected that labeling an "inside" or "outside" is unrealistic. However, the ego-centric view may still be useful for addressing my addiction. The non-ego view is more useful for experiencing a sense of connection and peace.