loud brain won't let me focus
The first 2 or 3 Rocket League games I played tonight were SO GOOD. I was fully in the zone, I was focused, I was present.
Everything in-game felt so real. So THERE. I knew what my eyes were seeing, and I felt it too, in a way.
Then my brain started working - self-criticizing, analyzing, trying to figure out the "best" things to do, or just thinking about random shit.
That's when I detach a little. My eyes are still looking at the ball, at the cars, etc, but they've gone dim. They're not as vibrant any more. I don't see every little thing any more. I'm not fully THERE.
It's like when you're watching a full-res movie, then it starts buffering and giving you the low-quality pixelated version ... kinda.
Or when the noise of a fan disappears, just fades into the background. It's obviously still there, but you're not really hearing it.
This happens to me all the time, but with stuff I'm actively engaged in. And I don't like it. I don't want it to be like that.
While I was playing, I had some trippy experience of observing myself, and I originally wanted to write about that. I've been challenging my ego-centric view of the world a lot lately, and this played into that.
When I'm zoned, it's like my body & mind are doing their thing & my consciousness is just observing. It's really pleasant.
When I start thinking, it's like I'm either A) interfering with what my mind and body are doing or B) disconnected from my mind and body, not really observing them.
Idunno, I want to write more about that sense-of-self part, but I'm just done writing. I'm gonna go snack and smoke and chill and eventually go to bed when I can't keep my eyes open any more (I usually can't fall asleep otherwise).