My brain is mush today
my best friend & i are co-writing for nanowrimo & it was my turn to write today. Thankfully we're doing 1,000 a day instead of 1,600.
I had a nice time. I enjoyed the writing. I'm glad I did it & I want to do it more. I also spoke on the phone with a loved one for 1 hour, 9 minutes, and 53 seconds today. ("over an hour" would be sufficient, but I KNOW HOW LONG IT WAS so it feels weird not to specify)
I saw three friends today & chit chatted a fair bit. (I have some friends that I only see in public at their jobs, but like we talk at length and I think we're friends. Idk, adult life is strange. Acquaintance just doesn't seem like the right word, but sometimes friend seems too strong since we're not really involved outside of that specific situation.)
I must be anxious or something because I'm feeling the need to over-specify & over-explain.
Anyway. The way my brain feels is awful. After the phone call, a 25-30 minute walk (no i don't know the exact time) helped me calm down like 80%. Loved the phone call, but it was also hard to exist afterward.
It's like the world was bright and the sun was warm, but to me it felt dark and cold and far away. I could see the brightness and sense the warmth, but it just felt ... constricted and far away. It felt like I was in a wet, cold basement, even though I was clearly not. This started to feel better probably about 20 minutes into the walk, but didn't fully go away by the time I got home.
I read her writing from yesterday & made some notes and comments. I think I was feeling jittery, perhaps over-caffeinated, and likely overwhelmed or something.
I got dinner from the deli & saw my friend at grocery. Watched a video on my phone while I ate outside the library. I think I felt mostly better after that, but never did this "weird" or "off" feeling really go completely away.
Then I went in and threw up a blog post (It was probably a bad take, but whatever it was mild and I was annoyed about something), then wrote for about 2 hours. During that time, I did draw a map for a portion of the story/world. (I rewrote the second half of that sentence 3 or 4 times and had to push myself to stop because it's FINE)
I wasn't quite done writing, but library was closing soon, so I went and talked to my librarian friend & my ... works in library but "librarian" isn't his title friend. (again, I think I'm overspecifying but I'm really anxious about being less than perfectly accurate.)
Talking was very nice, but I felt off the whole time. Saw an old acquaintance from when I played a lot of magic 5-7 years ago (experiencing psychic pain because I'm not sure if that's the right time frame or if I'm communicating honestly and accurately) and caught up a little. Again, it was very nice, but I felt "off" the entire time.
Came home, finished my nanowrimo after catching up with my mom (and my aunt on her phone) a little. I was writing scenery from the drawn map, and hadn't finished describing everything on the map. It was okay if I stopped a couple hundred words early, but I really wanted to finish writing out what I was imagining.
So I did. I finished the scenery & returned to the scene that was unfolding in the "present". I was doing some dialogue, and then just hit a wall. That's fine, I hit my word count (1,182 actually), and I'd gotten through the imaginings I was invested in.
And then I came to write this blog post. I feel off, ridiculously so. Oh, I smoked some sativa (normally I smoke indica weed) before writing at home, and the "off" feeling definitely felt gentler, less front-of-mind, but I think it was still there.
This blog post has sucked to write. I wanted to document my experience. The worldly experiences have been good, but my experience of my own body and brain today has been shit. Oh! And I did 5-10 or so ish minutes (spike of anxiety, feel it in my belly) of yoga before reading her nanowrimo from yesterday.
I felt extremely off today. Extremely not right. Not good. Not myself. Not present. Not clear. Not content. But I also had lots of wonderful experiences that were good. I also made an effort to care for myself - yoga, walked, stuck to my routine (got out of house, saw friends), and let myself take breaks during nanowrimo writing.
The self-care efforts did not fix the off-feeling, but they did help me get through the day even though the world felt a bit far away & was obscured by a murky, clouded mind.
But yeah it sucked writing this post. I'm extremely anxious & most of what I'm writing just feels "wrong", as you saw in some of my sidenotes. I reasonably understand that those notes don't need to be there, but (I feel) they need to be there, and they are staying.
Get me the fuck out of here (this blog post). I'm gonna post and go smoke weed and go chill and try to feel better before tomorrow so I can (ugh)... I'm done. I'm done writing. Bye.