my routine got messed up today
Getting started is one of the hardest things for me. My illness manifests in a few ways, in terms of "doing stuff".
The worst one is probably my brain turning to mush & not being able to think cleary & getting driven toward panic attacks and meltdowns by doing basic shit like mowing the yard or filling out some paperwork.
But the "motivation" side of it sucks too. It's REALLY hard to get started. And the former problem is made worse if I push myself too hard.
My morning routine involves waking up, making coffee & breakfast, and watching some YouTube. This helps me get my head sorta right, but not all the way.
Then before noon, I go downstairs & get on my laptop to play Trackmania. There's a tournament every single day with a new map.
I learn the map for 15 minutes, then play the tournament for 10-30 minutes, depending how well I do & how long the track is.
After that, I'm starting to feel good, to have mental capacity, to have some ability to push myself, and to be able to think.
I think it functions by giving me good feelings and creating some space between me and the near-constant agony i live in. (this may be a bit exaggerated, but it's a lot of agony basically just existing most days.)
Once I have space from the misery of my illness, I have some opportunity to think clearly & make decisions & do things without suffering significant psychic pain.
Well today... I finished qualifiers, then it failed to join the tournament. Turns out I had to do an update. (WHY DIDN'T IT DO THE UPDATE BEFORE QUALIFIERS!?) So I finally join the tournament ... 30 seconds into round 2 ... so I'm guaranteed to be knocked out no matter how good i drive.
So fine what the fuck ever. I'll just hunt the map in the hangout session.
LAG. Wifi disconnects for 10-20 seconds straight. Boots me out. I'm getting pissed at this point. Honestly, I was already pissed and just starting to come down and feel okay but NOOOOO.
And I re-join and see that nobody's moving ... my internet disconnected again.
The only reason I'm on wifi is because I have a cheap piece of shit ethernet cable. The cable itself is fine - but the end of it was so goddamn cheap that the plastic clip broke within the first month of having it. I can't afford to buy a new cable, nor do I wish to restring it through my ceiling.
(Also, the clip should last at least as long as the cable itself. I'm sure this is planned obsolescence & a waste of earth's resources and human labor that went into production and shipping and selling.)
So I've been ghetto-"fixing" it with hot-glue. Putting a dab on the cable so that it'll stay in the port without the original clip. And then recently, that just didn't work any more.
So anyway, I put a lot more effort into "fixing" this. Took a piece out of my laptop because the mechanism had broken & a bit of plastic (which previously helped hold the cable in) was getting in the way of the ethernet cable now.
I did some much more precise hot-gluing to basically re-create the clip. It seems like it's working so far. We'll see.
It might seem like a small or stupid thing for me to be so upset about not getting to play my video game for 15 minutes. Like I literally got to play qualis but didn't get to play 15-20 minutes of competitive rounds.
But my routines are so important to my day, and to keep my human (body and brain) functioning. Sometimes I surprise myself and am quite functional without my routine. But I usually need time to recover the next day and take it easy.
When I'm keeping myself in balance and avoiding panic attacks and meltdowns, it's really hard to see how important my routines actually are. But when my routines get out of whack, I can't take care of myself. My house falls into disarray, I stop doing dishes, I maybe skip scooping the litter boxes, I withdraw socially, I am less physically active, and I experience huge amounts of suffering.
Idunno. I got done with the ethernet cable "repair" and am just like at a loss for how to exist in the world. I know I should go on a walk, but actually getting my brain to agree with me is so fucking hard because it's fucking broken bro.
fuck. goddamnit. motherfucker. son of a bitch. cunt. lovely boy.
Idunno. I'm exquisitely grateful for having internet and a working laptop and the opportunity to play video games. I don't want to lose sight of that just because I'm suffering today. I'm grateful to have a house to live in (thanks dad!), power is paid for (thanks mom!), and access to food (thank you taxpayers!).
I'd really like if my brain worked right too, though. I just want to heal.