struggling
a death in my extended family has me babysitting & otherwise having my routines disrupted. I love my family & the kiddos, but I'm pushing myself way over my limit.
I'm broke. I needed to sell plasma this week. I can't, with all this going on. Like I'm not capable of going and keeping myself together. So I guess I need to go next week.
I'm worried I'm going to be severely burnt out next week. I feel kind of panicked about it.
I know it'll be fine. It always is. My money just gets really low (less than $30 in bank & no cash on hand, besides some small emergency fund of maybe $50 in change). But then I go sell plasma or do some yard work or odd job for money.
Every time I'm feeling a little secure about my money (as I was a few days ago), something happens that disrupts my ability to get in literally 4 hours of paid work or plasma in a 2-week period.
Anyway, knowing this is how things go, I did talk myself out of eating out 2 days ago. I'm relieved I did that.
I really struggle to manage my own life when everything's going exactly how I need(want?) it to. When things get disrupted, I just can't handle it.
I realize most people still go to work & do other things but I feel like I just get completely sucked into what's going on & I can't step away physically or mentally. And when I do step away, I've already used all my productive energy & I really need rest, so rest is all I can really do for myself.
Perhaps I can dedicate some of that energy to personal things by taking intentional breaks.
I can try. On a good day, I spend 90+ minutes waking, 30-60 minutes playing trackmania, then I can get up and be productive for about 2-3 hours before my brain starts to malfunction.
There were times tonight where I couldn't function.
"throw me the [stuffie]".
tries
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I don't know"
I handed the stuffie back.
I froze multiple times while unloading the dishwasher. Moments where I just can't do the thing I'm trying to do - pick up dishes and put them in the cabinet.
My brain's basic ability to break-down tasks into sub-tasks just falls apart.
2 dry bowls in my right hand. 1 damp in my left. A clean towel for drying. Just not knowing what to do. Set the wet one down.
And it's not the "whoops that's not gonna work" feeling. It's a "my brain literally can't process this situation."
Okay. I'm having alone time now though. Writing. It usually helps. Or I just enjoy it. Idk. I wanna play Trackmania now for a bit. And listen to my music. I miss my bestie. besties. I miss my shows. It will come again soon.
I feel selfish sometimes for all this. Some of it probably is selfish, but a lot of it is illness
P.S. I talk too much about the hardship. I'm also having an amazing time & I'm really grateful for it.