"transgenderism", coming out
I'm working myself up to come out to my family as nonbinary with they/them pronouns. It's been 2-4 years since I found myself & came out to my closest friends. I'm also 'out' publicly, but not within the family.
My gma might know because she reads the local paper & I write letters to the editor & I show up in other local queer news coverage sometimes.
I wear dresses around them (i have a male body), and so I'm out in that respect, at least. And I've brought a girlfriend & boyfriend around them before, so the gay is already disclosed. (I'm actually pansexual)
But this is different. I'll be coming out to people who might not "believe in transgenderism", my brain tells me.
It's a sick framing of the issue. Being transgender is not a belief system. It's not an ism.
There are transgender people. I am a transgender person.
Everything boils down to beliefs, though. I believe the social construct of gender is separate from (though often related to) the biological sex. I believe the reporting that talks about biological sex being not-so-binary.
Would I be nonbinary if I believed in the gender-binary? if I believed that "man" and "woman" are fundamentally linked to biological sex characteristics like penis/vagina, XY v XX chromosomes, or which gametes (sperm v eggs) were produced? if I believed that gender were not a social construct?
No. If I believed in the gender binary, I would identify as a man. I would be a man. I might wear dresses, and I'd be a cross-dresser.
But would there be some fundamental underlying truth about my gender/sex that would still land me outside the clear male/female or boy/girl boundaries? Do I have intersex chromosomes? Do I have any intersex biology? I have no idea.
But I have to step away from this whole "debate" and instead observe people.
Imagine a large kitchen with 3 people sitting around the island. There's three adults. One says they are a man, another a woman, and the third nonbinary.
Is there a nonbinary person in that room?
Yes.
Does it matter what underlying beliefs create that reality?
No. If one of them said "I am a programmer", I would say there is a programmer in the room. I wouldn't dive into a deep questioning of what it means to be a "programmer". If I knew they'd never written a line of code, I might think they were a "liar", but I'm going to assume that the programmer is not lying, and neither is the non-binary person.
So where does "transgenderism" fit in?
I don't know. It's confusing to me. I've never heard about "cisgenderism" (my autocorrect recognizes "transgenderism" but not "cisgenderism").
If "transgenderism" is what allows me to be "nonbinary", then is "cisgenderism" what allows someone to be "man" or "woman"?
And how grounded in reality are these two different belief systems? Does it matter?
If I tell someone I'm "nonbinary" with "they/them" pronouns, and they believe in "cisgenderism", what's the reality?
The reality(1) would be: A male-bodied person identifies themselves as nonbinary and the other person does not believe them.
If they tell me they're a "man" with "he/him" pronouns, and I believe in "transgenderism", what's the reality?
The reality(2) would be: A male-bodied person identifies themselves as a man and I believe them.
But that's my framing. What's the framing from the "cisgenderism" view?
reality(1): A man told me they're nonbinary, and I don't believe them.
reality(2): A man told me they're a man, and I believe them.
So what am I getting at here?
Honestly, that everything about our views is based on beliefs, and that it doesn't fucking matter and we should respect each other.
Germ Theory wasn't always "believed" to be the reality, but I believe it's pretty well proven at this point. I believe what I've been taught about germs. I believe the scientific study about germs is grounded in reality.
Before germ theory, people believed in the miasma theory. What if we get new evidence that finds some underlying spiritual force from which disease arises? Or maybe something less supernatural sounding. (I bet germ theory seemed pretty supernatural back in the day.)
I just. I'm scared my family won't "believe" that I'm "nonbinary". That they'll attribute my identity to a false "belief" that I have in "transgenderism". I'm worried I'll need to educate them about intersex people, sex-transitioning animals, gay animals, or the complexities of the biology around sex.
I don't want to do any of that. I want them to just believe me, respect my wishes, and make a genuine effort to learn to use "they/them" pronouns and other nonbinary terminology (kid instead son, sibling instead of brother, person instead of man).
And I'd really like if they all read "Gender Queer" by Maia Kobabe. (what a cool fucking name, Maia Kobabe.)
That comic book better expresses my experience of gender than I think I ever could. They come from a born-female background. I come from a born-male background. So there are necessarily many differences. They struggled with having "girl" stereotypes placed onto them. I struggled with anxiety, believing I'd done something wrong by getting make-up put on at a school event when I was 7 or 8 or so.
My family loves me, and I'm so fortunate they have always supported me and respected me. (in regard to my life choices and personal expression. There were some bad years that my family was not around.)
They love me. And i want them to see me, fully. I want them to know my story, my experience of myself, and the truth about how I exist in the world. I want them to address me correctly. They haven't known how to do that because I've hid it from them, to protect myself.
But keeping this secret isn't protecting me anymore. It hurts, every time they call me a man or a son or a brother or a him. I don't want it to hurt any more.
For a long time, them not knowing kept it from hurting. Because I couldn't hold it against them for addressing me wrong when they didn't know. I don't hold it against them. But it also hurts.
In a trans-sports documentary, the conservative grandparents of a trans boy said, while reviewing photos of him as a baby girl in a dress: "He was always a boy. We made him a girl."
Please let me have the courage to tell my family who I am, so that they may love and respect me the way I wish to be loved.
P.S. That last line is an atheist prayer