Why not use imagination in atheist prayer?
I can imagine punches coming at me, which tells me how to move to play/shadow fight. Punch coming at my face & I intuitively know how I want to "block".
What if I use something more peaceful? So I imagined pink ribbons coming at me, peacefully, slowly. I'd grab one, wrap it around me in some way, then yank and throw it off. I wanted to encourage dancing.
It was harder than fighting imagination, but I've play fought a lot & seen it modeled in so many movies.
I can also imagine a social situation (remembered or fictional) and become extremely anxious. That anxiety can lead me to social reclusion. An imagination clearly feeding a behavior.
(do I "believe in" anxiety? Or ... the imagined social situation?)
So why not with prayer? I'm an agnostic atheist*, so I don't have a god to pray to. But, prayer is an act where you speak to god inside your head. So why can't I imagine one & speak to it?
I'm allowed to imagine social stuff and get anxious. I'm allowed to imagine fisticuffs and shadow defend. I'm allowed to imagine pink ribbons and dance.
So why can't I imagine a god? (perhaps I can)
powers within me
Recently, I've been praying, and I found something that works for me after several nights of deep thought & trying different "gods". I tried the "universe" and others like it.
But I wanted something that didn't feel cringey to me & that I actually believed in.
And I thought about how limited my conscious will is. I may want to get a good night sleep, but my brain/body won't allow it. I may want to jump fifteen feet high, but my stupid baby legs can't do that.
There are powers within my body that determine so much. Hunger arises & drives me to eat. Anger arises & I say something mean. Now, I've gained a lot of control over these things, but these forces exist nonetheless, and I will never have 100% control. My body and brain have limits & so does my will.
(Energy and joy arise, and I spend quality time with a friend)
So I pray to "the powers within me". I believe it's a mechanical business. But I genuinely don't know. Perhaps there is some second consciousness or something, or a god with some divine plan, and I have limited free will within that.
How does existence ... exist?
Fundamentally, I struggle to conceptualize how existence exists. If there is a creator god ... how did the god exist in order to create? I do not accept "god is timeless" or other non-explanations because that feels ridiculous to me. It literally isn't an answer.
I'm looking for a source, but if I find that source, I just wonder where the source of that source is. It baffles my mind.
But I know existence exists because I exist. I experience. I'm not sure if the hands typing these words count as "me" (feels trippy to write that!). Are my hands experiencing? Or am I experiencing sensation from my hands? Am "I" just the part that experiences?
I'm also tempted to refer to "experience" as "observation". As if the "I" is some disembodied consciousness that observes, not the amalgam of my consciousness and my body that acts within the world.
But then I think (believe?) that my "will" is also part of my consciousness or whateva, and I just don't know.
Anyway.
powers beyond me
Next I pray to "the powers beyond me". I know there is an economy, federal congress, neighbors, weather, and so many other things ... that could affect what I do, what happens to me, what my life becomes.
If the power goes out for 5 days, I will necessarily do different things than if I have power (and air conditioning). This is beyond me.
But there may be some magical god-like force, some spirit. Gravity's invisible. Infrared light is invisible to my eyes. So, why can't there possibly be some other force that hasn't been detected, or possibly can't be detected?
And even if you keep discovering that next force, how can you ever know for sure that there isn't another one waiting for you? (neutrinos!!! quarks! bears but like they're all ascended and have some ethereal force or influence. like imagine if there weren't gravity and the whole universe were formed under some other system. that'd be crazy. Gravity is obvious in a way, but a lot of other forces are not, like UV radiation from the sun.)
Anyway.
Why pray?
I pray to "the powers within me" and "the powers beyond me". I'm still figuring out what "prayer" means to me, but it's a lot of ... hoping but saying it as a prayer.
It's very humbling. I recognize powers beyond my will (inside & outside my body), and I ask them for what I want. I don't know if they're listening, but I think some part of me internally is. Some part of me I definitely don't understand.
This internal effect is easy to grasp - If I think deeply "I pray for my health and the health of [my friend who's sick]" ... then when I'm making my snack for the night, I'll portion into a bowl instead of bringing the whole chip bag.
And I might text my friend tomorrow and ask if they need anything, like SOUP SOUP SOUP SOUP SOUP or medicine.
Some of my prayers have worked exactly like that. Others have not yielded clear results(yet), but I just want to keep praying about stuff anyway.
I know some things are beyond me. So I want to pray for help with them.
And what about god?
So what about powers beyond me? Could they be directly affected by my prayer, as if the "powers" are listening to the prayer?
I doubt it. I don't think so. I don't believe in that magical effect. Sometimes I hope it is real. But I just have no idea if it is real or not.
I likely have no way to truly know. So that makes it hard to feel serious about praying to the powers beyond me.
But I'm doing it anyway. And I'm wondering if I should just imagine a god, KNOW it is an imagination, NOT believe in it, and pray to it anyway.
Hm. Maybe I don't have to only pray to god. Maybe I can pray to other imagined figures, and I can continue to explore whether there is some "god" concept I could conceivably pray to and feel connected with.
I want spiritual connection. I want help with a lot of things. I want others to have good lives and be health & happy. I want to heal my mental illness.
I want to explore some of these questions/concepts and find a place of peace and spirituality within.
* Agnostic Atheist: I do not have a belief in a god, but I do not know if that belief is true and I am not truly convinced one way or the other on god or not