I get exhausted so fast
I struggle a lot with my mental health. And I often get this idea in my head that if I "just do ____ thing" then everything will be better, like there is some magic bullet.
I've been through this with myself enough times to know its not true. But the feeling still comes. Lately, I've redirected this idea toward: I need a solid foundation before I get out & try to work again or go to college or whatever.
And so this is a long-term project of cleaning up my house, getting rid of things I don't need (donating what I can), and bringing order to everything I keep. Things like this definitely are a positive to my mental health, but they're not a fix.
And just recently, I got this different idea that, rather than needing to get my environment into such-and-such state, I need get my habits into such-and-such state. If I'm successful at the habits, the environment will follow, too.
So I'm trying to be more intentional about having productive time in my days. Rather than thinking of things that "need" done, I'm approaching it as I "need" to spend 2 hours being productive today. It's not about the results of the productivity, but about the productivity itself, about the habit. This mindset is bringing me some peace, as I'm not getting crushed under the weight of big ideas, or getting hopes up to high and then having them let-down.
So today was day two of this intentional productive time. Historically, my productive time is whim-based. I do productive things when I feel like it. Today, I nudged myself toward it, not waiting for the whim.
So anyway.
Because I'm doing this with more intentionality, I'm also coming at it with more awareness. I'll have to see what that awareness yields over time, but today's effort sucked.
I was about 30 minutes in when I got my first wave of ... exchaustion? It's not a physical exhaustion. I get physical exhaustion at the gym some days when I work out really hard, and it's definitely not that. It's more of a mental fatigue.
That fatigue comes with a serious reluctance to do the next thing, to switch to the next activity. It also comes with a sort of psychic pain. It's pain-like, but not quite pain. Until it's intense. Then it does feel like pain, but it's not placed anywhere in my body.
But okay. So I finish vacuuming, and I push through the uck and I get onto the next thing. Litter boxes & trash. During the task I'm mostly okay. But at the end, the feeling comes back stronger. Fatigue. Reluctance. Pain...kinda.
I talk myself through it. Okay. I load the dishwasher. At this point, the "pain" is there during the task. It is mild, but its starting to be more persistent. But I get through it, it wasn't too bad.
But now it is too bad. It's been an hour. And I'm trying to get myself on to the next task. Aaaand. It's kind of intense now. The "pain" is now pain. Anxiety is up. And I'm starting to feel a little panicked when trying to do the next things. The panic is mild, but it is beginning to surface.
I decide I'm going to take a break and maybe try to come back in an hour and do more stuff. I brew a large cup of coffee.
While it cooks, I organize a little in the kitchen. And the distress is kind of just driving up while I do.
And in my dining room, there is a box of assorted stuff that I've needed to go through for awhile. I manage to deal with probably 4 of the maybe 20 items in there. I'm genuinely glad for that progress. But. It's getting bad now.
I'm losing my ability to think. I'm losing my ability to remain calm in the face of decision-making (where does X go? Do I donate it? Do I have a place for it? etc). The panic is feeling more and more real. I'm doing vocal stims - i partially enjoy these, but they're also a bit compulsive and exhausting.
That's it. I'm done. I consolidate two boxes into one. I call it quits. I go have my coffee and play some video games.
After my break, I started laundry (or did I do that earlier in the first leg of productivity?). And then I cooked a really easy dinner (frozen broccoli + tofu + soy sauce & sesame oil & rice vinegar, along with a fairly healthy frozen side).
So. My 2-hour goal today turned into about an hour & 15 minutes. I was really trying. I did push myself a little beyond what I was comfortable with. I didn't push myself into a panic attack.
I often find myself doubting how real my mental disability is. I have a good day and am like "oh, maybe I'm just full of shit." Or I do fun, easy, low-stress things an think "well maybe I could be working."
But days like today are all-too-common. I'm not sure that I've ever documented them in such detail.
I want to continue with this intentionality-idea. I want to continue with the awareness. I want to push the boundaries of my comfort. I don't want to push them too far & cause burnout or panic attacks.
I'd call today a success. Though it also sucks. It sucks being so limited. Struggling so much. Things that I think are easy being so damned difficult. But it's not the thing that is difficult. It is just ... navigating myself? Idk.