meditation: what's the point
I meditate before bed every night. My default mental state is ... stressful. Just this semi-constant tension and anxious thoughts that go with it - what could I have said differently, what am I doing tomorrow, mistakes from years ago, etc etc.
Before bed, I'm very tired. But I'm almost incapable of falling asleep without this meditation, because I lie down and the tired is overpowered by the tension, and my mind just never settles down, and then I get restless legs and my body won't settle either.
But I meditate, and it's like my tense-mind gives way and allows my mind to be aligned with my body, allows my mind to be in it's more "natural", flowing state. The tense thoughts still poke at me, the tension isn't gone, but it ceases to be the dominant force. And then I'm able to sleep.
I rarely meditate during the day. I'm a creature of habit and necessity. I'm meditating before bed because I have to. During the day, there just isn't the same imperative, plus it's not routine.
But this has left me curious about what my "natural" mental state might be during the day if I can meditate and release my "default".
But meditation during the day feels like a pointless, boring, agitating activity. Or I anticipate it as such. I'm often craving activity during the day, something to just focus my mind on - youtube shorts, video games, music if I'm in a calmer state. So I start meditating, and it's just, like, a little agonizing.
And it occurred to me today (while doing a rare daytime meditation) that I have no short-term goal when I meditate during the day.
My night meditations are intended to relax my mind and welcome in the tiredness and rest. It is a very clear goal. I know exactly what the mental state feels like when I get there. It's a huge contrast, and I know with about 90% certainty whether the meditation was "successful" or not, just based on how I feel at the end.
My day meditations (including today's) are not so stark, and the goal is not clear.
Long-term goals are there, but these don't seem to be strong motivators for me in the moment. Meditation can do a lot for mental wellbeing, overall peace of mind, reducing reactivity, finding more contentment and peacefulness day-to-day, improving depression and anxiety symptoms, spiritual development, among other things, I'm sure.
But those long term benefits are the result of regular meditation practice, not a meditate-now-and-you're-cured kind of thing.
I enjoyed my meditation today. Parts of it were very peaceful and relaxing. She shared a quote of Thic Naht Hahn's that gave me a tingling feeling inside (I think people call this chills? Idk. It's warm and fuzzy.) And, too, there were parts of anxiety, of tension, of stress, of agitation.
I do think my mental state afterward was more pleasant, more calm. But it's not stark like it is with the night meditation.
Going forward, I think I want to develop the short-term mental-state goal for day-meditations like I have for night-meditations. This will necessitate improving my awareness of my mental state before, during, and after the meditation practice.
I also wonder if I should develop some kind of behavioral goal, too. Like my night meditations allow me to go from awake to asleep. Could my day meditations take me from screen-craving to activity-engaging?