Moving toward my standards
I've long struggled to even THINK about what I want things in my life to be like, because I'm disabled and I can't actually meet my standards.
So my room will be a mess, tables cluttered, laundry never put away. But these are not my standards. This is not how I WANT to live. But it is how I live, often times.
Trying to think about cleaning up, I'm just filled with shame. Why don't I do better? I should try harder. I should push more. I should i should i should.
I reflected on this recently, and am working on a new mental framework about it.
What are my standards? Where am I actually at? Do I need to adjust my standards? Can I get someone to help me meet them?
And I realized that healing means not just shit in my head, but also seeing things around me move closer to my standards.
My healing is both within my body and my environment. They are inseparable.
So part of my healing journey now, hopefully, will be working on moving closer to my standards. Not doing everything at once. Not necessarily doing anything extra today.
But instead asking myself these questions, and working to build some habits that move me, piece by piece, closer to meeting my standards over time.
Today, I unloaded the dishwasher. I talked myself into it because I'm trying to move more. And I sorted some of the mess of storage containers, instead of just throwing them into a pile in the cabinet like usual. I recycled a couple low quality ones that aren't likely to be used, that don't have siblings.
When I finished, I realized this was work toward my standards. My standards include having neat cabinets that are organized and manageable. I'm closer to that standard now. And that's nice. It feels good.
So my goal is to focus on doing little things like that, which move me slightly closer toward my standards, while reflecting on what my standards are.
This fresh view has shed the shame, and made some things clearer for me.