my philosophy on relationships
I've been having some serious issues with a long-time friend recently, so I've been thinking about how to explain my view of relationships, and what I fundamentally expect from them. At a later time, when we text about it, it will probably be pared down quite a bit.
I have needs. I can ask you to meet them, but you can say no. I am responsible for meeting my own needs.
If you aren't willing to meet them, it is my job to look elsewhere for my needs to be met - whether I need a different friend to hang out with, a therapist to help with my emotional turmoil, welfare for material needs, or even to be more self-sufficient. If I'm hurt, it is my responsibility to communicate & then respect your position. If I'm hurting too much, it is my responsibility to end the friendship to protect myself.
I have boundaries. You must respect them. It is non-negotiable. There is room for forgiveness if you make mistakes. We can likely move on if you take accountability. If you do not take accountability, or if you repeatedly violate my boundaries, the friendship will end. You don't need to be perfect, but you must try to respect my boundaries.
If you feel some of my boundaries are unreasonable, you can talk to me about it & ask me to modify them. I might consider it. I might just refuse. That is my right. If my boundaries aren't working for you, you can end the friendship.
You have needs. I will meet them, to the extent I am able, sometimes beyond the extent that I desire, especially in times of crisis. But I decide which needs I meet, even in times of crisis.
When I refuse to meet certain needs, it may hurt you. You may be angry about it. You can communicate your feelings to me. You can ask me to meet your needs next time. But I must be allowed to say no. You are not allowed to cross my boundaries to try and change my behavior. You are responsible for meeting your own needs. It is not something I'm required to do. If you're unhappy with the balance here, and unhappy with the results of our communications, you can end our friendship.
You have boundaries. I will respect them. If I fail, and you communicate to me, I will correct my behavior. If I fail to do so, I don't expect you to put up with it. You can end the friendship. You get to draw your boundaries as you please.
This is the foundation, anyway. Generally speaking, I'm very willing to meet my friends' needs. Not all of them, all of the time. But a lot of them, a lot of the time. I'm also, generally, very good in a time of crisis. But sometimes I will come up short.
Many of my boundaries are at least a little flexible. I'm not gonna end things cuz you got slightly shitty in one argument. But I will not tolerate abuse, whether verbal or physical.
I believe this foundation of needs & boundaries underpins any healthy relationship. It certainly underpins any relationship that I'm going to continually & meaningfully participate in. This includes friendships, romances, professional relationships, and family.
I'll be willing to tolerate different amounts of boundary-pushing in different relationships. Such as, I'd be willing to put up with a lot more shit from my younger siblings than I would be from my same-aged friends. I'll be willing to meet different needs in different relationships. All of this stuff is very dynamic. My needs & boundaries may change. And my relationships may change as a result.
I did not always feel this way. I regret the harm I've done to others as a result of demanding they meet my needs, of not respecting their boundaries. I regret the harm I've allowed come to me as a result of not enforcing my boundaries, and as a result of meeting needs I did not want to meet. This place I'm at now is the result of a lot of unhealthy relationships. Some of which ended. Some of which grew & became healthy. And also some of this came about because of relationships that were always at least kind of healthy.