on being afraid
I've made a lot of new friends recently, and I really like them. I have fun hanging out with them. It makes me happy.
After a group hangout, when the night settles down, my mind spins and spins. Replaying things they said, things I said, analyzing my feelings, etc.
I've also been talking to a woman - a crush - recently. I had asked her out, mainly because I just found her so super cute. We've been talking online but haven't met yet. I think I really like her - I don't really know until we spend some quality time together. And I also find myself ruminating about her a lot.
It occurred to me last night that most of the rumination is pinned to some kind of feelings. With my crush, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm wanting more of her. With one of my new friends, I'm feeling a really strong bond, just feeling really connected, and I adore them. With other of the new friends, I feel happiness, curiosity, reluctance, and other things.
The crush and friendships are all still new. My feelings are still a mixed bag, a mess that I don't really understand. I don't yet know what kind of relationships will settle from them. Will my crush become a partner? Will we even date? Will we be friends if that doesn't work out? Will my one friend become a bestie? Will I find a meaningful connection with the other friends, and what will those friendships be like?
It is a lot of uncertainty, about the future, about what I'm feeling right now, about what all these people are feeling toward me.
And so it all feels kind of fragile. Like I (or someone else) could do something that would take away all this new wonderful stuff, all these new wonderful people and experiences, from my life. I'm afraid of losing these friends, this crush. I want these friendships to grow. I want this romance to grow. And I'm afraid they won't.
My normal response to this fear is to comfort myself. While it has it's place, I'm not so sure this is healthy for me.
"Well, if she's not interested in me, there are other people I can date." Yeah. There are. That's a reason not to catastrophize. Like, this isn't my last-chance or anything. But I like her, and if she rejects me, that would hurt and I wouldn't get to know her better. I'm afraid she'll reject me, and it's okay that I'm afraid of that. I need to let myself feel it.
If my new friends reject me, yes I have other friends, I have family, and can make more friends yet. But I want these friends; I don't want to lose them.
I think this is where a lot of the rumination comes from, really. This back-and-forth between my feelings and the rejection of those feelings. When I respond to these completely reasonable fears by comforting myself, I'm rejecting what I'm actually feeling. And it just spins up this cycle. My brain goes "here's another reason to worry" and I respond with "Well I don't need to worry because ____", so my brain offers another, and I reject it again.
But okay, brain. You're right. There are reasons to worry. There are things to be afraid of.
I shan't let them consume me. I can't sit in fear and worry forever.
But the funny thing is ... if I just let myself feel it, it passes.