on intrusive thoughts
I sat down to meditate last night, and an unpleasant thought popped into my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and used all my mental energy to stop the thought - it was a visual thought that I didn't want to see.
I promptly identified it as an intrusive thought, as I have identified many other "intrusive" thoughts over the years.
Then I wondered what makes this thought intrusive, but other pop-up thoughts not intrusive, thus beginning a think session before meditation proper.
I don't really know how my thoughts bubble up, even the ones I'm looking for, but when I have desirable thoughts, its because my focus is pointed toward them. My attention is on them. And it is there purposefully, because I want my attention on them.
When I'm meditating or just going through my day, thoughts will pop into my head. A lot of replaying social situations, anticipating social situations, worrying about the future. Stuff like that. When those thoughts pop up, I'm often caught up in them, they pull me, I turn my focus toward them.
Are these not also intrusive?
Certainly not in the same way as when I hear "I hope [loved one] dies" in my head. I don't identify with that thought. I don't agree with that thought. I don't turn my focus toward it and explore it. I don't really want them to die. But it is a thought. It is in my head. But is it really so different than "I hope [loved one] is having a good day?"
I think I identify thoughts as "intrusive" not when they intrude on my attention, but when they intrude on my sense of self, when I dislike them, when I reject them, when I don't want them, when they are shameful.
Calling them "intrusive" has its utility, but it also serves as a way of distancing myself from them. It says: This shameful thought is not my thought. It was forced upon me.
Thoughts come. I experience them. Often feelings come, too, and I experience those. Sometimes I really don't like the feeling that comes with the "intrusive" thought. And then I clam up. I fight with myself. I argue. I justify. I correct. I judge.
I think I take too much responsibility for my inner world, and I hold my moral standards to what's going on inside of me. I judge myself as "bad" if the thoughts are shameful, if they're things I wouldn't say, thoughts I wouldn't discuss, even for the sake of getting support.
And I react strongly to my thoughts.
That moment where I slam my eyes shut and force my mind blank. The reactive voice that says "that's mean".
The thoughts often come with feelings, and these feelings are not reactive, but merely part of my human experience. But then I have feelings of guilt and shame that follow, and those feelings are reactive.
So I thought through all of this last night. And then I began my meditation proper.
I've long heard the instruction to "observe" thoughts and "let them go", to not become attached to them. But last night was the first time I had a meaningful understanding of this. Last night was the first time I saw a clear distinction between the thoughts that come and the reactivity that follows. I was able to see which part was "happening" and which part I was "doing". I was able to feel it, as there is a particular sensation to it.
In recognizing this, I found myself finally able to observe thoughts, not get pulled into every single one of them, able to be non-reactive.
I've been meditating on-and-off for almost 20 years. I've been meditating almost every night for a year now.
A few days ago, I was feeling bored at the idea of my usual meditation - simple breath awareness: "I know I am breathing in; I know I am breathing out." But I encouraged myself to show up and do this same meditation anyway. That this was an opportunity for growth. That moving through this boredom and disinterest was a way to deepen my practice. I was right.
It's a little amazing to me that ... for quite some time, I've felt fairly stagnant in my meditation practice. It's been great for me mentally. It helps me sleep. It does improve my default mental state. But in terms of depth and spirit, I felt I had stagnated. And now I've had this sort of breakthrough, which helped me go deeper last night than I have in a long time. It feels like I unlocked a new state for my mind to operate in. A healthier state.
And beyond the meditation, to my life as a whole, I've advanced the relationship I have with myself, enhanced the relationship I have with my thoughts. I'm not sure what I will do with the label "intrusive thought". If anything, I believe I will expand it to capture a wider variety of thoughts - both pleasant and unpleasant ones.
I might drop the "intrusive" label all together. I'm not entirely sure it serves me anymore.
I recognize more deeply that thoughts come to me. I hear them, see them. Feelings often come with them. And then I am reactive to those thoughts and feelings.
I am responsible for the actions I take. But I think I need to take less responsibility for the plethora of things that pop up in my head. When I overhear a neighbor say something problematic, I don't take responsibility for that; When I overhear my mind mutter something problematic, perhaps I don't need to own that either. Nor do I need to distance myself from it. Just hear it. It's there. It's okay. I'm okay.
I'm curious to see where this will lead me. I know my meditations will not all be deep. It could be a day, a week, or even several months before I have another meditation like I did last night. These things kind of come-and-go. But this was meaningful for me, powerful for me, and I'm excited to see where it goes.