The grace we give children
I've had conflicts with a couple friends recently who have approached the conflicts in ways I'm not very happy about. I've struggled a lot with how I felt about it. I've been angry, I've been defensive, and I've debated about how much I'm willing to tolerate, debated about where my boundaries lie.
And I've asked myself: What if they were kids?
It's a difficult question because they are not kids. It's difficult because I don't want to belittle them or put myself on a pedestal as "the only adult here". It's difficult because I love them & want to give them grace, but I also require respect in my friendships.
It's also difficult because I'm not a parent - I am an auncle. I've been temporary guardian. I've pissed the older kid off making them wake up from a day-nap, or enforcing bedtime, or i don't even remember what else. I'm also an older sibling, who was primary guardian to my sister for a short period. And boy, I pissed her off sometimes too. I've listened to the youngins vent about other relationships.
And part of it is, I don't want to take kids too seriously when they're upset. They can have really big feelings, feelings that are not proportional. They can be unreasonable. They aren't necessarily good at respecting boundaries. I care about how they feel, and want to navigate situations better if I can. I want to be respectful of their needs. But to some extent, as an adult with 34 years, lots of therapy, who's navigated difficult relationships ... we're just not on the same level - especially when the kid is upset.
And sometimes it feels that way with friends, particularly if those friends are upset.
And I know I'm not always on the same level as my higher self. I can have really intense emotional reactions, get really worked up, get really angry. I navigate that by venting to friends, reflecting, journaling, walking, processing, meditating, finding grace & forgiveness. Usually. I rarely ever bring that intense self to the person who is upsetting me.
So, there's this part of me that wants to approach conflicts with infinite grace and patience and understanding. And there's the part of me that is actually in the conflict, who needs to stand up for themselves and have boundaries.
And I just find myself asking: What if they were kids?
P.S. I have two friends who have really good communication skills and are emotionally mature, and when we have conflicts, it is remarkably refreshing how well the communication goes.