disability during fascism
My country is part-fascist now, and the fascist power appears to be growing. Meanwhile, I'm mentally disabled and struggling to take care of my basic physical needs - healthy food and exercise, among other things.
I want to engage more. I want to keep up with the news. I want to stand on a busy street corner every day with a "Fascism is here" sign. I want to spread "Fascism is here" flyers when I'm out-and-about.
But doing this work actively harms me.
When I'm feeling spent, I don't go to the gym, I binge eat, I eat salty fatty foods, I don't eat fruits and vegetables, I socially withdraw, and I become depressed.
If I continue pushing during the depression, I become more depressed, suicidal, and all the other problems worsen.
I hate this. I've been politically active for years, and I've never been more disabled than I am now. The fight against fascism needs us all, but I just can't carry the weight of my responsibility in this.
Not right now anyway.
I just finished a 2-3 week burnout/depression. I had been wired for 2-3 weeks and did a lot of programming, which led me into the down-cycle. And now that I'm feeling okay for a minute, there's a nagging urge to do the political work I've been putting off.
But I don't want to be depressed again, burnt out again, to stop going to the gym, to withdraw from my friends, to feel uninterested in life, for my butt and back to hurt every day, heartburn every night from gorging on processed food.
We'll see what I end up doing. I have limited control over my behavior anyway. Feelings and cravings and obsessions strongly drive me. I get some say, sometimes, but not a lot. I might get hit with obsession tonight or tomorrow and make that flyer or protest sign.
I genuinely don't know. I just have to wait and see, I guess.
But now I'm going to the gym. I need to work on my butt and low back today bc those have been hurting recently. Ugh oh yeah my neck too ...
P.S. I was actually more disabled Jan-Apr 2024. I have slightly more ability now, but I also have learned to respect my limits since then. So while I might be slightly less disabled, I'm not actually much more productive. Because if I overdo being productive, then the disability increases.
P.P.S. "A lot" of programming means 1-2 hours 5-6 days a week. It was nice in a way, but it was also bad for my health, and it was often compulsory.