i wanna get high
The last two months have been extremely overwhelming, and caused some burnout. I normally would smoke weed 3 nights a week, but switched to daily smoking so that I'd be able to sleep consistently and meet the demands of my life over this period.
Originally that was going to just be for one week, but it ended up being like 5 weeks, and here I am at the end of those five weeks.
I thought I might have a decent portion of cannabis oil left, so I was hoping to come home and smoke that tonight. It wouldn't have been more than a hit or two, it wouldn't have been enough to make me sleep well tonight, but it would have been nice.
But turns out I did actually finish the canna-oil and I already scraped up all my bud recently and its all gone.
I could easily run to the dispensary and pick up some weed. But I won't. Scrounging up the last bits of my weed to smoke them in desperation is one thing. RE-upping is another. Any time I'm quitting daily use, I'm going to scrounge up everything I have at home (with one or two exceptions over the last decade). So. Ugh.
My first issue is the general discontent i feel in the evening. It's hard to tell what portion of this is my chronic mental illness and what portion is weed addiction. But either way, weed alleviates it and makes me just feel nice.
My second issue is sleep. I can't fall asleep at night, which has been an issue for 23 years. I can't stay asleep either, which is a more recent problem in the last two or so years.
The sleep might be a chronic insomnia problem that's still unsolved. It might be a solved problem that is now caused by the weed dependence. I don't know.
But smoking weed every single day doesn't allow me to be the person I wanna be or live the life I want to live.
I like video games & TV shows. When I'm high, it's pretty much all I do. When I'm sober, I read books & do yoga & meditate. And thing is, the playing/watching while high has gotten OLD, very boring, really.
But that boredom is fairly comfortable when I'm baked.
And so yeah. I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. I just got home a few minutes ago. Maybe as I settle in for the evening, the UGH of not smoking will alleviate and I'll have a nice night. There's almost no chance my sleep will be any good, though.