just tired of it
I quit my weekly cannabis habit May 20th, and I've converted to a once-per-month habit. I smoked one day in June & then I smoked this Sunday & Monday.
Not smoking has been good for me. I read most nights. I do yoga & meditate before bed. My sleep is better than it has been in the last 33 years (started having insomnia at age 11). It's also good for my lungs. And I don't binge eat very often.
Smoking this week was fun. On Sunday, I hung out with my Bestie. We went on a walk in the woods, hung out in the creek, got Chinese food, and played Magic The Gathering. On Monday, I smoked alone at home, and I played video games all night. I really enjoyed both of these experiences. The plan was just to do Sunday, but then I also really wanted to do Monday. So I did. I threw away the rest of the weed Tuesday morning to protect myself from cravings.
One of the things I miss most about smoking is the degenerate video gaming, which, when sober, leaves me bored and empty feeling. Granted, if I do it high all the time, I also get bored and empty feeling. But these occasional nights of degen gaming are fun, relaxing.
And then this week has been the most relaxed week I think I've had in a long time. I was definitely hungover on Monday, and then moreso on Tuesday. Wednesday still a little bit. Today, I'm feeling more normal but still just so reluctant to do anything productive.
Most of my time the last couple days has been spent playing games and watching TV and overall just chillin, plus I've gone on a couple walks.
And it ... Idk.
There's this strong pull. Like I want to just lean into the lazy, smoke the weed, and let it be my life.
Because I just feel so tired of the daily effort of life.
I'm tired of coaching myself into brushing my teeth. Of debating with myself so that i'll do house chores. Of doing yoga & meditating even when I so don't feel like it. (I can't sleep if I am sober & skip it.)
My bestie is on vacation, and these few days have felt like a bit of a vacation for me. But I don't get real vacations. I'm disabled (mental stuff), so there is no real job that I take a break from once in awhile. Really, there are no weekends off, either.
Part of my feelings right now, surely, are just withdrawal/hangover from the couple nights of smoking.
But part of it is ... just chronic exhaustion with the reality of being a person, especially a disabled person.
Every day for me is work. Even the lazy days, I still have to fight with myself to go on a walk or something because without it, I become miserable. So when I try to take a day "off", I still have to do what feels like work in order to just get through the day without misery.
...
The appeal of daily weed is false. Because it doesn't make any of this better, not when used constantly. It does provide some relief, some time, some space when used occasionally like I am now. But when used constantly, it just becomes the new normal. And then my mind works less well. My memory declines. I stop doing my healthy habits. I stop reading at night.
I just want things to feel like less of a slog. I want to feel at ease. I want time off from ... dealing with myself, with my limits & challenges.
And I want effort to stop being painful. It might be pain-adjacent. Its something. Also, I think I'm lonely. My best friends all live far away. Near me, I don't really have any friends who want to do the same kinds of things I like to do. Most of the social opportunities I do have aren't really social opportunities I feel driven toward. Idunno.