lest ye forget
I've been sober (from weed) since May 20th. It's now June 3, 14 days later. And I want to write about it while its all still fresh. I want to reference this next time I think to myself "smoking isn't so bad for me." I'm not sure I'm never gonna smoke. But I don't want to go back to even smoking every weekend. Definitely not every day.
Note: I've added this to my #best posts. It's not necessarily high quality. I just want to be able to find it when I want to re-read it in the future.
The first few days of sobriety were hell. I couldn't sleep. I'd lie in bed, and the moment I started to dip into dozing, restlessness would SHOOT through my legs. I'd keep trying and soon I'd start feeling a panic-attack building. I had to get up. I had to go for a walk. A long walk. Or eat food. Watch TV. The first few nights, I would eventually pass out at like 10am.
The last two nights, I slept for very near 8 hours, for the first time in awhile. Today is probably the first day where I feel like myself. I did have some restless legs mid last night, but I was hot. Turned the air down, got back to sleep. Was fine.
Before May 20th, I smoked every single day for about 5 weeks. Before that I was smoking 3 nights per week for months. Originally it was supposed to be 2 nights per week, but it wasn't. It was 3. During the 5 weeks, I stopped meditating and doing yoga - a near-daily practiced I had started within the past 6-9 months, thanks to starting guided meditations in therapy. The meditation & yoga had been extremely beneficial for my mental and physical wellbeing. And this practice fell off. I'm not back to where I was, but I'm already doing some yoga and some meditation most nights. I picked these back up probably 5-9 nights ago, after the worst of the sleep issues had passed.
I'm reading again - and I'm interested in reading again. I have this insatiable hunger for knowledge - an insatiable hunger I've had for a very long time. I've been active in the mid-day and somewhat active in the evening. This became a part of my routine over the past 6 months or so, whether I was smoking or not.
Sometimes, I'd be more willing to be active while smoking. I would not feel like being active. But then I would smoke and do chore-stuff anyway. The last two weeks, I've been far more responsive to how I'm actually doing. Pushing myself sometimes, but not a lot.
The 5 weeks of daily smoking saw me reading NONE. I didn't read articles. I didn't read my books. I met life's challenges (which were greater than usual) and I played video games. Video games got boring, quickly. I felt unsatisfied. But I was also burnt out and exhausted from life. The weed helped medicate that. But it also caused me to backslide in terms of my mental health and healthy habits. Part of the backsliding was, indeed, life's challenges.
I'm dreaming again. I don't dream a lot when I smoke. I don't remember them anyway. I enjoy my vivid dreams - though I'm sure they will mellow some over the next few weeks, as the weed works its way out of my system.
Now lets go back to the months where I was smoking on "weekends" - 3 nights per week.
I didn't usually do yoga or meditate on smoking nights. I mostly just played video games. There's a sort of enjoyment in the games, especially when I have a new roguelike to obsess over. But those obsessions are fleeting, and then I'm bored. And I'm too high to read, even if I'm not that high. So I just sit in my computer chair for hours clicky-clacking at things I really don't care about. It's unfulfilling.
And my sleep had gotten really bad. I'd be able to sleep on the nights I smoked. But then the 4 nights in between were a regular struggle. I've had sleep issues since I was 11 years old. But the restless legs had never been a frequent issue. Well on my sober nights, I was having restless legs. They were keeping me from falling asleep. And then I'd also wake up long before I was ready to.
And during the sober days, I'd just be waiting for the smoking nights. I've lived with mental illness in shifting forms for many many years. Depression in 7th/8th grade. Alcoholism and depression as a young adult. Several other bouts of depression. Chronic weed use/addiction for years. Energetic manic periods and burnt out depressed periods. A 4 month period in early 2024 when I felt like killing myself every single day, where I was genuinely miserable every single day.
Well the form its taken over the last year or so, one that I've identified clearly is psychic pain. This is where I experience a sensation of pain, but it is not placed anywhere in my body. It feels like pain, but there's no part of my body where it hurts.
Well during the smoking-on-the-weekend period over the last several months, this psychic pain was nearly unbearable. It would grow throughout the day. And it would be its most severe after dinner. On smoking nights, I would experience great relief, without effort. But on sober nights, it would hurt. This also came with mental exhaustion, inability to think clearly, inability to motivate myself to do much of anything. On better sober nights, I would lie down after dinner for awhile. Not sleep, but rest. And that would alleviate it.
But I felt very stuck in my routines. And it felt like I was constantly just outrunning this psychic pain and managing my brain's struggles. I was craving weed every single day. On sober nights, I couldn't wait for my weed nights. On weed days, I couldn't wait for the evening (I almost never smoked before dinner). Its like there was just this cloud of misery hanging over me, and the only real reprieve I got was smoking on the weekends.
I haven't been in that cloud the last week or so. I've had my struggles, especially with these sleep issues. But it's been different. It's felt temporary, and it has largely alleviated (not completely). But my reaction to this cloud now has been ...
I don't know how to explain it. But my reaction before was to clam up, to feel tight. Now, it's more like "oh this sucks, let me deal with it." So I lie down or I go on a walk. Maybe some light yoga.
I'm starting to eat healthy again. Salad the last couple nights. And they're so fucking good. But I don't know if this is weed related so much as life/burnout related. And definitely the first week or so of the sleep issues post-quit I gave no fucks. I had to comfort myself and get through the misery. I took a break from trying to be healthy. I just had to get through it. But I'm on the other side of that now.
One of the worst things about smoking each weekend is the constant craving. The craving is a cloud hanging over me every single day, and it just eats away at my sense of wellbeing.
The psychic pain ... it's hard to say whether its related to the addiction/craving/withdrawal situation. It might be a feature of my mental illness. I think it is a bit of both. I've had some times of experiencing that psychic pain since quitting. I'll be curious to see what the psychic pain is like over the weeks and months that follow.
My favorite things about being sober.
I can sleep. I can fall asleep. I can stay asleep. And I think I'm more flexible about when I can fall asleep.
I'm doing yoga and meditating again. It makes my body feel better. It helps my mind be calmer. It trains my brain to be more pleasant, less reactive, more aware.
I'm reading again. I love learning things. It can get dull or feel like a slog. But it is rewarding.
I'm doing photography again. Well, I did twice recently. This was a new hobby I picked up in the last 6 or so months. I had been missing it. I want it to remain a hobby. I really need a photo album, because analog is a huge part of what makes it feel rewarding.
I'm hardly ever craving weed. I miss it a little bit sometimes. I do like weed. It can be really fun and enjoyable. But I'm hardly craving it. Craving is a miserable experience.
My memory seems better. I remember more clearly. I can think more clearly - most the time.
...
By no means do I think my mental illness is cured. By no means do i think I'm able to work again. I still have fairly low limits. But I'm excited to get familiar with what my new normal is without weed.
I want to maybe smoke once a month. Maybe twice. No more. But even that is scary. It's scary because I'm hungover after a smoke. Part of that hangover is craving. Part of that hangover is just feel depressed and shitty. Part of it is psychic pain, I think. I'm afraid that the "once a month" smoke can too easily morph into "well I'll smoke for two days" and into three, and into weekly.
...
I want to write again - local journalism.
I want to code again - my website for local journalism and the tools to run it.
I want to engage in more activism - I spread Resistance Cards to oppose my country's current version of fascism. I want to get involved with a group. I want to sometimes raise issues with my city council. I want to email legislators. I want to show up for protests (though I am largely disillusioned with protests, as most of them are a way to blow-off steam rather than a step in a larger plan toward change)
I want to socialize with my friends. I want to get out of the house and do things I enjoy. I want to make new friends (one bestie lives in germany, another is 40 minutes away, and another is like 70 minutes away)
I want to date. This is nerve-wracking due to my disabled-jobless-poor situation. But I have a lot of great qualities to bring to a relationship. And I want romance again. I want love. I want sex. Jesus Christ I want sex - but I want sex with intimacy and affection, not just hookups.
I want to get my house in order - I've been making great strides in this area. The clutter & mess that's built up over the years is horrendous. Before I try to put myself back into the world (i.e. work), I have to get my house in order. I need a solid foundation.
I want to be smart as fuck. I've always been pretty smart. Did well in school. Tested well. And my intellect and mental abilities have not been what they used to. Reading is a big part of improving this. Maybe going to school again. I want to be living to my intellectual potential, and I have not been, for a very long time.
Most of all, I just want to be happy, at peace, and feel fulfilled.
...
I've always declined mental-health medication. And I will continue to do so. I've had many conversations about this over the years, I've been pressured to take meds. But in the last six months, I made a simple decision - I feel strongly about this and I am not willing to discuss it any further, and I need no other reasons. If I got someone pregnant, I would probably be willing to take meds in order to help care for my family. I'm not sure there's any other thing that would change my mind, and it isn't up for debate. This is a personal choice. I know meds are extremely helpful for a lot of people, and strongly support those who wish to use them. But I do not wish to.
And that brings me to the weed. I use it as medication, in part. I refuse pharma-meds but accept weed. Well. That's because I'm addicted to it. That's because I'm familiar with it. That's because when I smoke, I'm not introducing myself to something new. And also maybe because weed really is fun.
But I can have a lot of fun without it. I often do. Hell, it's not uncommon that I have more fun sober than high. And I actually remember the fun when I have it sober.
I don't want to be a weed addict. I gave up alcohol 11 or 12 years ago. I debated trying to use it casually and occasionally, because alcohol's fun. But I made up my mind a year or so ago that I'm not going to, for the primary reason that I do not want to crave it. I almost never crave alcohol. Drinking occasionally would open me up to those cravings, to that ongoing internal debate of "is it okay to drink tonight? Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe It's okay." I don't want to have that fight with myself, so just saying no is simpler.
I should probably learn from that and apply the same logic to weed. But I'm not sure I'm ready to (or ever will want to) completely swear off weed. I want to enjoy it from time to time.
But I don't want that enjoyment to take away from my life.
I'm 34 years old. My ambitions have long been big, and they have not manifested. My ambitions are still big, but they are tempered and more realistic. The things I want for myself and for my life and for my involvement in the world are hindered by drugs.
I have always held onto hope that I would be able to heal from mental illness. This does not seem a common view. It seems far more common to believe that a brain has a "chemical imbalance" and the only real solution is to take medications that "fix" the "imbalance". Well there is also scientific research that shows the efficacy of things like meditation and literally just going for walks. Your brain structure and chemistry literally change based on lifestyle. I want to heal through work - meditation, activity, therapy, social support. I don't want to heal through meds, nor do I wish to be dependent upon meds.
I've made great strides in my mental and physical wellbeing in the last year - ~7 years of therapy and effort starting to really pay off. I want to continue this work. I want to see where it leads me.
My dream, regarding my mental health journey, is to get to a healthy and productive place. I want to write a book about my journey. I want to share with others and help others in this way. I have no intention of naysaying meds, and actually want to talk about how helpful I know meds can be. I want to encourage folks to do what's right for them and their lives.
I have a lot of goals, and I want to pursue them. I want to run for city council. I want to run as a state legislator. There's some chance I'd be interested in being a federal representative or even a president, though I kind of doubt it. Sidenote, U.S. presidents are basically required to be war criminals, and I would not be willing.
I want to (re)build my local journalism site, and I want to provide the tools for others to make their own versions in their communities. These journalism goals conflict with my political goals. That's a difficulty to navigate later, and ponder in the meantime.
I want to continually learn and grow as a person. I want to be a good member of my personal community and my broader community (city, groups I'm in, etc). I want to be a good friend. I want to have a life partner (or two, maybe), and I want to be a good life partner. I want to love heartily. I want to forgive vigorously. I want to be joyful. I want to be at peace.