mental illness today
I'm very happy about most of my day externally. Went with a friend to get her a kitty cat. Went to grocery after. Had dinner & chilled, watching La Maquina, and binging a few episodes afterward.
Went on a long walk by the woods, now I'm gonna blog this & play a little trackmania.
I wasn't asleep 'til 3 am or so last night. I woke up around 9:30, a whole hour before my alarm. Tired, but was feeling pretty normal. Instead of playing Cup of the Day, I would hang out with my friend. Off-routine, but I was up for it.
I was having a nice time, but partway through the day something upset me. After that, I calmed down, but was mostly unable to talk. Once while talking, I struggled to get a sentence out. I had to repeat a word 3 times to actually say the whole word and get to the rest of the sentence.
(I do not think the upset is responsible for my mental today.)
Normally talking feels natural, it just flows out effortlessly. But other times, it just gets stuck - the same way you might get stuck when writing, though it feels a little different when it's the illness causing it.
I knew what words I wanted to say, including the word I was repeating. But it's like there was a disconnect between my intention to speak those words and my mouth vocalizing them. After failing to speak twice, I kind of paused and collected myself and was able to force through and finish the sentence.
Forcing through is similar to pulling a boot out of sticky mud or pushing a pebble through a ball of play dough. But it's inside my brain or maybe some imaginary space? I don't know.
Glad I was there, the experience was mostly good. Though there was this, like, perpetual screaming inside me. Not screaming exactly. More like a quiet screech in the background, maybe like if your neighbor is sawing a block or two away.
After I got home, I had motor control issues. They got worse later. I immediately got myself together and drove to grocery. Again, I had to push through that mud to really focus on driving. Kind of how you get more alert coming up to road construction, especially if workers are out. Except ... you have to force yourself through mud to be more alert.
Once I was back home, I struggled to collect the bags out of the car and get them inside. I've had enough of these motor-control episodes now that I kind of know how to navigate them. I have to talk myself through simple steps and remain calm.
Getting out of the truck, I'm saying (in my head) "Left, right, left, right" so that my feet will move. Once I'm in motion, it's better.
I had helped my mom with the top button on the back of her dress, and it was so hard to control my fingers, like to know what they should do or to make them move.
There were probably other times I got stuck trying to do fairly basic physical tasks. It's just like this sometimes, and I wanted to document it.
Also, I'm applying for disability on Tuesday. It would help me so much. Selling blood plasma and doing odd jobs is just taking a huge toll on me mentally, because 2 hours of work one day can affect me for a day or two after, and often I need to be more careful the day before to make sure I'll be able to actually function day-of.
And as I described above, a "mental" affect for me sometimes means I struggle to move my body. I forgot to mention the slow walking, slow movement in general, and the inability to make decisions that are not routine.
Trackmania now. Oh & my walk was really nice.