Obsession
Tonight I'm obsessed with my masterpiece trackmania map. I have 3 alt versions to build before i submit the main, competitive edition.
There's some tweaks to make to the main version. There's secret rooms i might wanna encourage people to find, maybe that'll be a 4th version? Prob no.
The all-pipes version will ...
That's not the point of this post.
I can't delineate between obsessing and wanting-to-think-about.
Like i can feel thd obsession, and its draining me mentally, and causing me not to be focused on the show I'm watching before bed. I don't want to go to bed bc i don't want to fight with the obsession.
But i also like thinking about this stuff and kind of want to. Its a project i started in March this year. I'm passionate about it. I love it. I can't wait to finish it.
I'm basically done with the main map (finallyyyy) so I'm getting super excited again.
I feel i neeeed to think about it. Like i can't put it down. But i also don't want to put it down. But i also don't want to be obsessing. But also nothing is more important than thinking about these maps right now.
That's how it feels anyway. Rationally, i know better. Relaxing is more important. Sleep is more important. But the only thing that really feels important right now is my map.
And so i am compelled to think about it.
Its been almost 3 weeks since i last smoked any weed. The last few times i quit, there was a 3-6 week period of majorly disrupted sleep, and i remember coding a lot... Obsessively. Tonight is not the first night the obsession has been heightened.
I'm not sure how much of it is the weed withdrawal, how much of it is just me, and how much of it is lifestyle (like am i too bored? Idrk).
I'm so tired.