re: thoughts from the fence
These are just my thoughts, so don't take them too seriously if they don't jive with your sense of what's right.
thoughts from the fence | mei's diary
[as a kid], I remember scrolling through adoption websites, wishing I could take the listed kids home and give them a family
That's so cute
[a paragraph of questions], And, most often: Am I the type of person who can put major parts of herself aside in the pursuit of raising a child?
Right now, you exist in a world without the love you would feel for your child. Can you put everything aside? Not without that love. Are you that type of person? Not without that love.
Life changes us. What we feel changes us. Those questions won't look the same if you actually have a kid, because you'll be living deep within your love for them.
Will I hurt my child in ways they cannot ever understand or recover from?
Yeah, probably. Some may be minor, like an accidental cut that leaves a scar. Some may be big, like falling into addiction, losing your job, and neglecting your kid's needs. Or many things in-between.
I don't think I've recovered from every mistake my parents made, and I don't know if I ever will. But I love them, I forgive them, and I'm grateful that I exist.
Life doesn't come without hurt. Parenting doesn't come without mistakes.
Mothers don't have quite so much freedom under society's scrutiny.
When shit hits the fan, it won't matter what society thinks. You'll do what you gotta do.
But if I can be [a good mom] – how do I know?
You risk it and pray. (or hope or meditate or whatever your spirituality or lack thereof calls for)
I'm not trying to say that you should have a kid, OR that you should not. And it's absolutely a big decision, and you clearly care a lot about making a good choice. I don't think either choice is "right" or "wrong" in the grand scheme of things. It's just which choice you'd rather live with, which story you'd rather see unfold.
Also - community is really important. Build supportive friendships, be part of a tight knit community (family, book club, political group, church, idk), and don't try to raise a kid without the help of your community. You shouldn't be the only adult who loves them and is there for them. And you'll need support to.
Also, I'm not a parent. I'm 32 and I think about life a lot and I just hope you listen to your heart, your own wisdom, and the wisdom of people you love.