struggle ep 4
The last one was productivity ep 3. (I think 'struggle' is now the name of this series. idk.)
Yesterday.
I wasn't planning on any productivity, persay. Most of what I did yesterday was play video games. Watched some TV. After my wakeup TV, food, coffee, and video games (worked on improving an old Trackmania map), I meditated, and then I went for a walk.
It was kinda hot, but decent out, and I remember the walk being relatively nice.
I took a shower after I got home. My hair had gotten greasy; it was gross. And it was haaarddddd. I just felt so exhausted & low energy. I had to kind of push myself to shower at all, and I knew I wasn't in the mood, but damn.
I hadn't slept well the night before - I tossed and turned for quite awhile before waking up, plus I got to bed later than usual. Probably only 6 hours of good sleep, if that.
Multiple times, I kneeled or crouched in the shower bc my energy just felt so low. But I got it done.
I was basically toast after this. My dirty laundry is well overdue. I'm pretty sure I'm wearing my last clean t-shirt (it was clean yesterday, anyway. Now it has tomato sauce stains on it.). I didn't have it in me to do laundry. I think I could have handled the washer, on it's own, barely. But I sort before drying & hang some more delicate items and heavy items. I knew I didn't have that in me yesterday, the thought of doing it shot panicked feelings through me. My clean clothes basket is also full, so that would have been another barrier.
After the shower, I played Slay The Spire 2 until dinner. I was not in a good mental state. I was vocal stimming a lot. I'll do some vocal stims when I'm well, but they become almost compulsive when I'm not. And I think they help ease my experience some.
I hoped to feel better after dinner, but it was marginal. Played games. Before my tv + snack time, I vacuumed the house - doing this every day lately because I had fleas; haven't seen one in like 5 days now; can't stop yet; look at all these semicolons; whoever said sentences need to be only a single part or two; language shouldn't be so rigid; it isn't so rigid; it's a choice.
My tooth broke some more last night. It broke like 4 months ago and my paid-for-by-medicaid dentist appointment to get it fixed is another 6 weeks away. The different feel under my tongue sparks smol anxiety, but its okay. I'm not too worried about the breakage, but I hope the rot & damage don't progress much further.
My mental state was bad last night.
I think I've been lonely. Some feelings are distinct and I feel them and I know how to label it. Anger, generally. Happiness, yes. Sadness, yes. Loneliness doesn't generally have this distinct feeling. I don't really know if I'm lonely. But I can look at my behavior and thought patterns and the fact that I haven't been spending any time with any of my friends and, well, I can guess: Maybe I'm lonely. I don't know. Probably.
My thoughts were just ... a little toxic to me last night. Very focused on negative things. Remembering upsetting bits from conflicts with friends. Thoughts about being left out, not included. Thinking about asking people to hang out, thinking about how rarely people ask me to hang out. Yeah, I guess it sounds like loneliness, huh?
These last two weeks have been more of a struggle than usual.
I had a major blowout with one friend - we made up, and I've emotionally moved on (like 95% at least, anyway), but we haven't hung out; we typically hang out once or twice a week. I had a bit of an argument with another friend. We don't hang out often, but we talk a decent amount, and they're whom I talk to about exciting video game things most the time. Things have just felt a bit off there, and some of the things they said are sticking with me.
I had social plans with another friend get cancelled due to life circumstances. I've had video-gaming plans with another friend delayed and postponed due to them not feeling well. I had four people ghost me on Tinder - which doesn't really bother me, but hey I'm taking inventory, I guess.
I see my mom every day. I saw my in-public friends - a cookie baker at the grocery store, and a couple of librarians. I went to my dad's one day for dinner, though I cut it sorta short because I was really exhausted and just didn't wanna overdo it.
I've had a near-constant need for stimulation the last couple weeks. I think this goes hand-in-hand with the loneliness. I think the social stressors are part of it too. I think how much I've been struggling with productive tasks also adds to it. But I've just kind of had this underlying agitation that I don't want to sit with. So I've been staring at screens more. And playing games after my TV time, before my reading time. I've been using guided meditations instead of going on my own (which is fine, but might be indicative of this needs-stimulation issue).
My other blogs in this struggle series have been more focused on productivity and the anxiety, mental fatigue, and whatever else negative symptoms have come from that. This one is a bit more all over the place, a bit more encompassing, a bit more context, a bit less productivity. *shrug*
The motivation for this ep was definitely how bad I got during & after the shower. I didn't really explain those symptoms very well this time. But whatever, I guess I had other stuff I wanted to focus on.