the aftermath from being wired
I've been kind of wired recently.
And I'm at the tail end of that "up" phase, I thiiink. I'm still suffering from some of the restlessness, and the mental obsession with doing stuff, even when it is time to relax, even when my mental energy is spent and I cannot healthily do stuff.
I'm freaking exhausted the last few nights. I'm pretty exhausted tonight.
I'm getting really agitated at minor irritants. I wanted to lose it on the cat for cleaning herself. I tried to talk her out of it, and I was unsuccessful. The noise was YUCKY, but the amount it agitated me was ... not standard or reasonable. I felt like I was going to explode.
Thankfully, I didn't have an outburst. On the rare occasion that I do, it's a bit of yelling (words) or screaming (no words). I used to have meltdowns a lot. That was when I constantly pushed myself to do a bunch of productive stuff. That was when I didn't take care of my health either.
Last night, i was ruminating, and struggled to stop. Tonight, I'm ruminating, and struggling to stop.
Like there's things that are frustrating or a bit annoying. When I'm well, I feel annoyed/irritated, and then I kinda move on, whatever, it's not that big a deal.
When I'm like this, my brain is like BUT HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD BE MAD. And it is FULL of ammunition. It is NOT healthy, it is NOT fun. And, fortunately, I've grown a lot, and it isn't particularly convincing either.
Like it definitely pulls me in, plays on my feelings, and fucks with my mood. But 5-10 years ago, I'd become completely committed to that anger, that rumination, that toxic reaction to something. Now I'm like "Yeah, that was frustrating, but it's not that big a deal." I know this, so I will not act shitty. I believe this, so it will simmer down soon.
Fuck I hate this shit.
This too shall pass. I'm going to go on a walk. I think I'm going to skip the gym tomorrow, take a breather, yaknow? But I'll try to get a walk in, or some yoga. And I'll be at the gym on Wednesday. I miss smoking weed. (It helped with the acute symptoms, but I think it made the chronic stuff worse.)