ugh
My writing has felt corrupted lately. Like I got into a stint of writing that was focused on advocacy (primarily around animal freedom), and it's just felt like there's something missing. Like the old drive to write has been suppressed lately. And I guess I'm tired of writing political commentary too? Idunno. I just know there is a spark that's missing recently.
This is okay, I go in cycles, and the spark will return, I'm sure, perhaps in a different form. Part of me wants to start blogging in more of a thoughtful and crafted way. Most of my posts are basically just slop - a brain-dump with light editing.
Also ugh, I've been uninspired by my video games lately, and not sure what else to do with my time. I'll hop in Rocket League for 4 or 5 games, most of which feel ... fine but I'm only 75% into it. And then I quit, cuz blah, I'm just kinda over it.
Coding is nice when I'm feeling it. I think a healthy choice would be to go on walks, or to work on house chores that are generally neglected, or maybe to find recipes and cook.
My life is very routine, and I think it's just getting a little old. Routines are important for me. They keep me mentally stable and allow me to better care for my health & relationships. I actually like my routines for the most part. But yeah, maybe it's just getting stale.
Last night, I was rather excited for today's breakfast and watching some Trackmania, as well as my coffee that follows. And I was excited to read more about bears (I have a lovely book about north american bears from my library, full of perfect pictures of perfect cuties), which I'll do late late tonight. But most of my day, was just like ... lacking anything to be excited for.
I think I've just been so unwell for so long. I don't really know how to live differently than as a pseudo-shutin. I do spend time with my friends, which I love, and is almost always routine-disruptive (which is generally fine). Like I do get out some, I'm not a total shut-in. Being poor doesn't help either.
I'm generally not well enough mentally to do hobby projects, and even if I were I generally can't afford the materials needed for hobby projects. I can't afford to go out to eat or to concerts or to bowling or to play pool or really much of anything.
I applied for disability a year or two ago. I was denied, then my first appeal was denied, and then I was unable to submit my second appeal due to my personal limitations, and unfortunately my support system was insufficient.
I might try working a regular job in the next few months. I don't think I can. But, like, I guess I could try and see how it goes. If it goes well, that'd be good. If it goes badly, that could help me with a new disability case, perhaps. The worst case of the bad-outcome is really just that I'd have to recover from burnout, something I've done many many times before. It's not fun, but it's fine, it's life, for me.
Dang I thought this was gonna be a short post but then I yapped, which I guess kind of satisfies that writing-spark that's felt like it's been missing lately.
I think part of the problem is that it feels pointless, the writing. I think that's part of why video games have lost a lot of their luster, too.
I also suspect there's some loneliness at play, some desire for companionship. But alas, trying to date is just ... not something I feel equipped for, either mentally or financially.